i...

i met a guy a couple of weeks ago and we sorta hit it off, but he never called, because he's a friend of a friend of granny violet, and granny violet's friend (who i've met three times) has extensive knowledge of my past and shared it with the guy i met.i was screwing around with this guy steve since october but he always made me beg for it, and last time i asked him if he wanted to hang out he said "not so much i don't think", so he's fired.mike wales will hopefully be coming down at the end of the month when my parents are away. i'm that desperate. i absolutely hate being alone, i hate myself, everyone has someone but me, and all that angsty BS.

they won't...

they won't put me on the payroll, but they gave me an email address!tsmith@fkiwsb.comfucking cheap bastards.

i hate t...

i hate that i'm not taken seriously and am expected to not have any emotions. if i seem upset it's because i didn't take my medication, or it's chemical, or whatever it is as long as it has no bearing on real life.it's all in my head.

i hate t...

i hate that i'm not taken seriously and am expected to not have any emotions. if i seem upset it's because i didn't take my medication, or it's chemical, or whatever it is as long as it has no bearing on real life.it's all in my head.

there may be hope yet

a couple of weeks ago i got a message randomly from this guy david i was with for about a month two summers ago. i hadn't heard from him since then, and i thought it was sort of weird that he initiated contact, and then professed a desire to see me, after all this time. so i figured what the hell, i could use some eye candy.however, he wasn't interested in sex. he just wanted to see me. we got dinner on indian row and walked around the village and made each other laugh. it was a good time, we always got along very well.that had never happened to me before. i've been sexually active for almost 7 years.i was surprised, and slightly disappointed (of course), but mostly, flattered and immensely pleased. i've always thought that i was easily and readily forgotten by guys i had slept with, but this is apparently untrue of at least one of them. it's a good feeling.

actual update

i like this thing, i'm going to write in it more often. or try to.i've been working full-time at fk, but i'm not on the payroll and cannot receive any benefits (although the company sucks, they only offer health insurance). i've spoken to the book-keeper, howard, and the 'powers that be' (the managing partner and 'the king' ie the guy who brings in all the money), and they never got back to me either way, although i am employed by all of them in various capacities. but...it doesn't matter, because i got into empire state college. it's a SUNY, legit, and i'm in the center for distance learning, majoring in human development. i'll be covered by my parents' insurance until i'm 23. i have zero usable credits from previous ventures into higher education, but truthfully it doesn't matter to me. the coursework is all psychology and anthropology and cognitive science and shit that i'm interested in. the best part is that i get to work at my own pace, no class, no idiots to deal with. i've been assigned a mentor, which i guess is a professor/guidance counselor type person, who hopefully speaks english and is not and idiot.i've also decided to take it all the way and go to law school after earning my bachelor's. the l-sats are basically examples of what i do for a living, and i'll beast through ESC because i can. not to mention my firm has two harvard law grads, a columbia law grad, and at least three nyu law grads, all places i would apply. additionally, i'd get hired immediately by fk, and they'd have to pay me more because i'd be a legit lawyer. what i'm really interested in, however, is criminal law. perhaps as a prosecutor. rosecan thinks i'd be excellent, i think i would be too. i'm the perfect type of bitch for it. i can see myself being accused of badgering the witness.this thursday, the 22nd, is my 22nd birthday. i'm not going to have a birthday on a friday until i'm 35 or something. it's supposedly good luck to have a crazy time fwhen a bday such as 22 on the 22nd or 30 on the 30th happens. but i have to go out friday night, the 23rd. i'm going to the anchor, a bar down on spring street, lots of dancing and smoking inside, and i've invited people (including all of you!). as of now, i will be joined by timo, cindy, eva, cindy's friend jen, supposedly robert, possibly lear and his roommate james. i've invited lots of other people, hopefully there will be a good turnout. but i'll have fun regardless.on the boy front, i'm kinda dating this guy from my junior high school clique i guess. we see each other every once in a while (far more frequently as of late), drink a little, talk, and watch a movie or play scrabble, and then hook up. it's another example of depth (as opposed to shallowness) on my part: he's smart and funny as hell, but also hairy and kinda busted in the face to be truthful. he's really charismatic however, and it overshadows these things. he's definitely been warming to me lately (kisses goodnight, kisses... during..., both which i find very signifigant...), i doubt he'll show up friday night however. he's kinda a hermit/flake.does anyone remember david, the pretty-boy rock star who i dated for a month two augusts ago? anyway, yeah, he messaged me on myspace and we wrote back and forth for a little bit; i'mma see him this week. he's down in new orleans teaching ESL classes for GWB and for very little $ and his own personal shack by the side of the road. he's coming to NY from like wednesday-friday and he wants to get together. he may come friday night.hopefully i won't be surprised by both of them showing, that'd be awkward.

grill-free grilling

this isn't about the men who stare at me on the street or on the subway or the bus. most of them come from a culture even more patriarachal than our own, and it's a sign of masculinity for them to stare at you or something. supposed to be a turn on.no. i'm talking about the WOMEN. why do they stare at me? is it because when i have a pimple, i wear it not with pride, but without a half-inch of poorly applied pore-clogging "concealer" that make the pimple even more pronounced. is it because i don't scram my fat ass into jeans that are 3 sizes too small for me? is it because i obviously didn't get up 3 hours before i had to leave to prepare myself for the day? STOP STARING. I HATE IT.

STEEL WHEELCHAIRS

yeah so i found out that for 9 months i've been crushing on a 30-year-old-ex-drug-addict-children's-book-illustrator-rock-star. i thought i was crushing on a 23-year-old-ex-drug-addict-rock-star. i like the children's book illustrator part, but...30?! I DON'T THINK SO.i mean whatever, he's still beautiful and i'd still jump his bones in a fraction of a second, but i can't get over the aging rock star thing. the type of music that he plays and his appearance and grooming are absolutely consistent with a 23-year-old. i mean, it's cool that he's still pursuing his dream and stuff, but i can't meet a 30-year-old that i have potential romantic interest in in this context. i know i'm a terrible asshole, but guys in emo-y bands cannot be over 27. it just doesn't work.

it's so hard

and it's always going to be that way.i've been thinking about going to law school after i finish my bachelor's. i don't hate my work, i have an aptitude for it, i'll definitely get hired right away and i'll make the $. it's also nice because it's extremely time-consuming, which is a plus because...every day that passes i find more reasons why it is that i do not have a boyfriend. my face... i look like someone with a genetic disorder. my hair is crappy. i have no body whatsoever. i have nothing to offer the opposite sex except for what everyone else of my sex has to offer.so, i'll be the cool spinster aunt with the great apartment that all my nieces and nephews will love to visit.time to stop fighting and trying to fix being alone. time to stop thinking about how much it sucks, how much i wish it was different.accept that being alone sucks, and that you will always be alone, and move forward. because you have to.

pathetic

i'm off the market. i can't care about this shit anymore. nothing good will ever happen to me.

it ain't so bad

he thought i was sweet and beautiful, and it has less than 0% to do with me but he is in no state for any sort of relationship (the most i could get out of rosecan)he wants me to go to more shows...not so bad i guess.

disappointment. that's all that needs to be said, regarding the last post.*sigh*people feel that they could do a way better job with my life than me. it's really annoying.am i completely distorted and ridiculous?oh, and thanks to sam, robert, AZ and timo for a fabulous new year's!